BY JAMES C. MILLERof delicate sensibilities and readers who might be offended by graphic descriptions of sexual activity should read no farther
Author's Note.- ParentaI guidance for the protection of our youthful readers is advised in regards to this article. Ladies
The sailboat industry has long harbored a dark secret, one known only to those at the innermost core of the industry. Although this secret involves a matter of utmost importance to those who sail, it is never discussed and never written about. It may he the only subject which Lynn Pardey hasn't written anything about; the Hiscocks have never mentioned; the Roths are silent on; that Chapman ignores: and even authors back to Slocum have said nothing about. Despite the fact that it is the major cause for putting sailboats up for sale, any salesman mentioning it would he blackballed by the industry for life.
I believe it is time for the industry to 'come out of the closet' on this matter and make the facts known to the general public. Ours has become a sophisticated society capable of taking the sordid and shocking in stride. Furthermore, thanks to advances in technology, a cure is readily available.
Since this information could be emotionally unsettling, for many people, to protect the casual reader who might come upon it without proper warning, we are printing the startling result of our research below. After reading the subject topic, you may choose to exit this article:
SEX ABOARD A SAILBOAT IS ABSOLUTELY LOUSY!
I know that this strikes at the foundation of all that we have been led to believe about sailing, but I can vouch for its veracity. While researching this subject, I personally have acted as a guinea pig over a period of many years, at great risk, expense, and discomfort. I have interviewed hundreds of people who have bravely attempted to have sex on a monohull, all in the interest of advancing the frontiers of scientific knowledge. Many of these people have suffered serious injuries while conducting this research. Their sacrifices should not go unrecorded. They are the true heroes of this story.
Based on indisputable evidence, which is available to any qualified fellow scientist in this field, I have formulated the First Principle of Monohulls:
God Did Not Intend Man to Procreate while on an Angle.
A perfect example of this principle is the experience of a couple I'll call Dionne and Charles. While on a cruise with another couple, they felt the need to express their affection for one another in a physical way. Going below, Dionne got into their bunk, only to find herself wedged tightly between the bulkhead and the bunk because the boat was heeled 45 degrees on port tack. Despite the discomfort, the couple proceeded with their amorous activities.
Unfortunately, just at what might he described as, a 'climactic moment, the helmsman brought the boat about onto the starboard tack, throwing the couple to the cabin sole and causing serious physical and emotional harm. Later marital problems have been traced to this single incident The couple is rumored to be considering a divorce.
Even while level, the monohull is designed to deprive the romantically inclined of any enjoyment. The perfect example of this fact is the diabolical "V" berth, a fixture in virtually every monohull constructed since the dawn of time.
The "V" berth allows two people to have their heads together while their feet are 4' apart; or their feet together while their heads, are separated. No intermediate points can get close.
In all of our research, only one person reported satisfaction with the "V" berth. This was a fellow from Southern California who I will call Lonny. He has a foot fetish and slept with his head forward; while his wife, who I will call Cherie, slept with her head aft. Although Lonny was happy, Cherie was lonely. Eventually they divorced. We have no record of what happened to either after that.
Research shows that many couples like to keep their bedroom activities to themselves. Because of the space limitations and layout of monohulls, this is virtually an impossibility. Sounds made in one stateroom are readily audible throughout the boat. On a monohull, you surrender your privacy the minute you come aboard.
If anyone manages to consummate a sexual act, our research reveals that one or more of those involved frequently wish to visit the head shortly thereafter. And where is the head on a monohull? Often in or beside someone else's stateroom. In extreme cases, it may actually be under someone else's bunk.
The advertising industry has been one of the major causes of misinformation about monohulls. For years, sailing a monohull has been depicted in print and on television as a very romantic activity. For example, a television ad for personal banking services showed a mature man at the helm of a monohull under sail, yachting cap on his head, blazer on his back, drink in his hand. Just beyond him lounged a young lady in 2 -piece bathing suit who could have qualified as Miss America. The boat glided smoothly through the sea, heeling not a single degree.
Our research revealed what actually happened after the cameras stopped rolling: The wind came up a few knots, the boat heeled, the girl went below and got sick, clogging up the head in the process. The owner put the boat on autopilot and went down to work on the head. With no one on deck, the boat ran aground. To get free, Mr. Mature and Miss America had to wait 10 hours for the next high tide. Upon returning to his slip at 2 a.m., the owner found his worried wife awaiting him. Her reaction to finding the young girl aboard was predictable. She filed for divorce, and the boat had to be sold to pay the legal fees.
So much for truth in advertising,
Thanks to advances in modern technology, there's a ready solution to the sex-while-sailing problem: The Cruising Multihull! Instead of heeling, it moves rhythmically, like a Magic Fingers bed vibrator. There is enough room for privacy and every stateroom can have a private head, if desired. It truly puts romance into sailing.
I believe the multihull industry has a moral obligation to bring these benefits to the attention of our sailing brothers and sisters. Perhaps buttons worn at boat shows would be an inexpensive and effective way to begin this crusade. Later, other media, such as magazines and television, can become involved. Our first slogan might be:
MULTIHULL SAILORS DO IT ON THE LEVEL.
Reprinted from Multihull Magazine; Jan/Feb 1993; with
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